“How ya doin this morning?” the friendly man at the counter asked as I entered the gym early today.
“GRUMPY!” I growled back with a snarly laugh, I was trying to appear not quite as mean as I was feeling. He was taken aback: What had Dr Jekyll done with Mr Hyde? Acting so out of character, I felt I had to explain, “I haven’t been in here for 5 days, and I NEED to sweat! Gonna go take it out on the treadmill.” From there I shoved my ipod buds into my ears, took a swig of water, and stomped off in a rush to squeeze in a short but “meaningful” workout.
While the treadmill began to move, I felt guilt rise in my chest. Do you ever feel “post-anger guilt?” Well, it hits me every time. And like usual, the guilt added to my frustration. Luckily my kids were not around, as this is where I sometimes parent out of Mommy Guilt (like after I’ve yelled at them for no good reason). Parenting outta Mommy Guilt is often regrettable because it can lead to overindugence, overpermissiveness,erratic emotions and inconsistency. So, like I said, I was thankful to be alone in my irrational pity party for the moment.
Time was ticking and my new running shoes were heating up with the track’s increasing speed. But the more I thought, the more confused I became. Why should I feel guilty for feeling angry? After all, I did NOT yell at my kids this time. I wasn’t even rude to the Gym Guy! AND yesterday was a very exciting and successful day. After officially launching my Tri Parenting E-Zine and this blog, both were met with wonderful reception! But WITH all that excitement, I’m thinking I should be floating on Cloud 9 today, right? The rediculousness in that question made me feel even more insane.
By the time my 30 minute workout was over, my grumps had sweated profusely onto my shirt. I atrributed my emotional hic-up to sugar overload, unrealistic expectations, and slothlike-ness for the last 5 days. I found peace and gratitude knowing my ugly mood had actually fueled one heck of a workout, and Mr Hyde left the gym smiling.
Gym Guy seemed relieved, too. “See you tomorrow? He asked with a smile.
“You bet!” I replied, “looking forward to it already.”